Mayumi Will Have to Take Over

While writing with a few people on a group script and while reading other people's work, I've found that I'm kind of in the minority for my use of scene direction. It seems that most people wanna lay out their action in a nice, hefty, girthy, hard-to-swallow paragraph. If I've got a big honkin' chunk of action in a scene, however, I like to cut it up. Call me Ginsu, 'cause I'll slice, dice, and inter-splice that shit.

I was writing on this script with some other kids a few months back. Even though the script was already too long, I'd space out the scene direction. It was a trade off. Breaking up the paragraphs made the script longer, but it made it more readable too. Let's make an example:

INT. SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER THEY DO IN SPACE

Floating through the cramped quarters of the newly minted Japanese space station, we follow CAPT. MAYUMI ITO, 29, calmly swimming her way through the vessel. She has a soft, comforting face and midnight black hair pulled in a tail that bobs in the zero gravity environment. She is dressed in white polo and slacks. We drift by a port hole. We re-focus on a yellowish planetary body that comes into view. Miniature clouds burst up from the planet's atmosphere, dozens at a time, until the whole of the planet is consumed in small explosions. Tinges of red pierce through the cloud. The planet is on fire. Mayumi floats on to the control panel, a sleek designed desk with minimal clutter of controls, very iPod. Mayumi deftly swivels her trim body down into a seat, buckling in. Next to her, sits her fellow astronaut and sister, SUKI, 22. The two greet each other with faint smiles and ad-libbed pleasantries. Suddenly-- BAM! The station is jolted from the side. Alarms blare. Lights flash. Suki, struggling against the massive vibrations, lunges for the wheel.

SUKI
(in Japanese)
They're gonna revoke my pilot's permit for sure!

That's an awful lot of text to read. The first glance of a block that fat makes me want to skip ahead. I guilt myself into reading the whole thing, because I know I'll be missing a boatload of information, but I'm not happy about it.

INT. SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER THEY DO IN SPACE

Floating through the cramped quarters of the newly minted Japanese space station, we follow CAPT. MAYUMI ITO, 29, calmly swimming her way through the vessel. She has a soft, comforting face and midnight black hair pulled in a tail that bobs in the zero gravity environment. She is dressed in white polo and slacks.

We drift by a port hole. We re-focus on a yellowish planetary body that comes into view. Miniature clouds burst up from the planet's atmosphere, dozens at a time, until the whole of the planet is consumed in small explosions. Tinges of red pierce through the cloud. The planet is on fire.

Mayumi floats on to the control panel, a sleek designed desk with minimal clutter of controls, very iPod. Mayumi deftly swivels her trim body down into a seat, buckling in. Next to her, sits her fellow astronaut and sister, SUKI, 22.

MAYUMI
(in Japanese)
How's it going so far?

Suki smiles. Suddenly--

BAM! The station is jolted from the side. Alarms blare. Lights flash. Suki, struggling against the massive vibrations, lunges for the wheel.

SUKI
(in Japanese)
They're gonna revoke my pilot's permit for sure!

Now I'm happy. I broke this up by spacing out the main block of text and by splicing in a line that wasn't there before. By doing that, the paragraphs become more palatably bite-size. It's easier to read and I think my eye is drawn down the page more gradually. You might also notice that each bit is sectioned off to its particular focus. This helps distinguish what the camera may be looking at, whether it be Mayumi, the planetary view, or the two girls at the control desk.

Maybe that's just my own personal preference, but I think it helps a page of script to look more inviting while offering a subtle means to focus the camera. There's no need to jumble all that detail into a small space if nobody wants to read it.